Understanding Sibling Rivalry

Topics: Parenting 

Age Range: Elementary 

Parents of more than one child are likely familiar with the shouts, taunts, and even tears that can happen when siblings fight. While it might seem difficult to deal with, you can learn to understand and lessen sibling rivalry.

Understanding sibling rivalry

Understanding the issues behind sibling rivalry can give you insight into how to address it. For example, perhaps your children got along well until the eldest decided they were too old to play make-believe anymore, your youngest child feels pressure to do things the same way as an older sibling, or your preschooler is showing resentment towards your new baby.

In the latter example, your preschooler could be that they feel they have been displaced by your infant, and miss the quality time they used to get. With this understanding, you can make steps to support your preschooler through the transition. Try getting your preschooler involved by asking them to bring you diapers or helping you tell the baby a story. This may help your older child feel compassion and care towards their sibling, rather than resentment.

To help understand the issues between sibling rivalry, it’s important to remain compassionate and hold two-way conversations with each of your children. Let them see that you care about them and truly want to understand how they feel. It isn’t advisable to take sides in a sibling dispute, but it’s important to acknowledge their feelings while reminding them that certain behaviors are still inappropriate.

Here are some other ways to lessen sibling rivalry.

Support your children in working through their issues

According to Psychology Today, “research shows that children with poor sibling relationships are at higher risk for behavior problems and that sibling bullying is strongly correlated to peer bullying.” Helping your children disagree without becoming verbally or physically abusive will teach them how to respect others.

For example, if your school-age child has begun calling your preschooler names or teasing them, take your older child aside and have a discussion. Remind them that your preschooler is younger and still growing and learning. Help your older child see things from their sibling’s perspective, and teach them coping strategies for frustration such as taking deep breaths or even leaving the room.

Avoid making comparisons

No two children are alike. One of your kids may reach certain milestones earlier than another, and it can be tempting to ask one child to try and emulate their sibling. However, your child may feel like they are being unfairly judged or criticized, and this can lead to resentment. Instead, identify and respect each child’s unique personality, motivations, and stage in life. This will show your children that they are each loved for who they are.

Enjoy one-on-one time

Vying for their parent’s attention is one of the most common factors in sibling rivalry. Giving your children individualized, positive attention may help to calm the situation overall. Spending at least ten minutes of quality time with each child every day will show them that you do hear and understand them. They might not find it necessary to fight each other to get your attention.

While it may seem like sibling rivalry is clashing with your vision of a peaceful household, these tips can help you understand and support a healthy relationship between your children.